How to Boost Self-Esteem

5 ways to improve your opinion of yourself and lift your self-esteem today

"How to Boost Self-Esteem" courtesy of Tiagø Ribeiro

The doorbell rang. She was perfectly on time. The first word she uttered was, "Sorry!" She said the S-word three more times before we even got to my consulting room. Later, Joy told me she sometimes felt apologetic for existing.

She'd had therapy before and been diagnosed with low self-esteem, but had unhelpfully been told to "start loving yourself". She told me (apologetically), "The trouble was, he kept telling me to love myself but he didn't really tell me how to."

Joy needed practical help.

What is low self-esteem, really?

Low self-esteem is a false perception of oneself.

If you have low self-esteem then you are better than you think you are. This is the definition of low self-esteem. When your self-esteem improves, it's because your self-knowledge has improved; just as the ugly duckling in Hans Christian Anderson's famous tale had to learn its true nature before it could become fulfilled.

But how do you tell if your self-esteem is too low?

Signs and symptoms of low self-esteem

Healthy self-esteem doesn't mean loving yourself no matter what you do. Shame, guilt, and self-reproach do have a place if we behave badly. It's just that those with true low self-esteem tend to feel these things even when they don't behave badly.

It's been proved a myth that people do 'bad things' such as child abuse, bullying, or drug-taking because they have low self-esteem (they might have low self-esteem, but that doesn't cause these behaviours) (1).

People with genuine low-self-esteem tend to treat themselves badly, rather than other people. So ask yourself, do you feel:

• You are morally worse than most other people?
• That you have less appeal than most other people; that you are uglier?
• You are stupider than most other people?
• You're unlovable?

You might also feel:

• Like never spending money on yourself or your looks because you feel you 'don't deserve it'.
• Your opinions aren't as valid as other people's opinions.
• Your low self-esteem is holding you back from really doing what you want to in life.

If you feel you have low self-esteem, here are five things you can do about it. First off...

1) Don't spread bad stuff about yourself

Low self-esteem makes you generalize a specific incident, situation, or trait and spread it to everything.

So Suzy burns a meal she's prepared for her kids and from this generalizes to: "I'm such a lousy mum, I can't even cook a meal!"

Jake fails a maths test and from this he negatively generalizes to: "I'm so stupid!" - (then, even worse) – " I can't do anything right!" We've magically gone from failing a maths test (specific) to being a failure at everything (pretty general!).

And more: Samantha really likes a boy in her class but is too shy to speak to him. She is mortified when he asks her best friend out. She generalizes this specific incident to: "I'll never get a date; no one will ever like me!"

This is known as 'globalizing' and if you do this for negative things, you'll feel bad about yourself. Knowing you are doing it is the first step to challenging it. If you catch yourself doing this - for example, telling yourself you're stupid because you made a mistake - then force yourself to find examples that contradict your own negative blanket statement.